In 2021 I was introduced to the book, “The Parallel Process: Growing Alongside Your Adolescent or Young Adult Child In Treatment,” by Krissy Pozatek. At this time, as a parent, I began to understand on a deeper level the concept of self-care, first and foremost, in terms of mental health. I strongly believe that when we feel mentally fit, we have a greater capacity to care for our whole selves.
Self-care is an essential component of living a healthy and balanced life. It requires self-awareness, self-acceptance, a growth mindset, and effort. It is important to understand that self-care is not just about indulging in massages, a glass of wine, or perhaps a weekend getaway. While these experiences may feel rewarding and provide instant gratification, they do not lead to long-lasting fulfillment. To find and maintain joy in our lives, it is important to focus on all the elements of self-care, which include our physical, mental, social, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual well-being.
Self-care is not meant always to feel good. In fact, sometimes it is really hard. Embracing our full emotional lives, finding healthy coping mechanisms, and using them with consistency and care takes effort and a commitment to being your best self. Humans naturally want to feel a sense of belonging and purpose. From my perspective, The Self-Care Prescription book provides an opportunity to nourish and support our individual strengths and challenges so that we can feel valued, capable, and competent in our personal and professional lives (Gobin, Robyn, “The Self-Care Prescription: Powerful Solutions to Manage Stress, Reduce Anxiety and Increase Well-Being,” California, Althea Press, 2019).
It isn’t easy to be vulnerable, especially when we as parents are in the daily grind of working, taking care of our children, our relationships, our homes, etc… It becomes easy to feel overwhelmed and therefore disregard, push away, or ignore our own needs. The Parallel Process was the first step in my mental health self-care journey as a single working mother of two children. The book helped me to step off the “emotional rollercoaster” and get on stable ground so I could not only become more emotionally available but also ready, willing, and able to find value in my struggles. Dr. Daniel Siegel says, “Emotional relating requires a mindful awareness of our own internal state as well as being open to understanding & respecting our child’s state of mind.” (Siegel, Daniel and Mary Hartzell, Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive, New York, Penguin Putnam, 2003, p 92). It is one thing to be self-aware and another to self-attune.
Accountability is another core component of the self-care journey. The Three Faces of Victim, written by Lynne Forrest, states that we all play the role of victim in our lives. She uses Steven Karpman’s Drama Triangle to explain how being in the role of victim, rescuer, and/or persecutor negatively impacts our lives. She says,
“I believe that every dysfunctional interaction, in relationship with other or self, takes place on the victim triangle. But until we become conscious of these dynamics, we cannot transform them. And unless we transform them, we cannot move forward on our journey towards re-claiming emotional, mental and spiritual well-being.” Lynne Forrest
Another important part of my journey has been learning and understanding how I move around the triangle in my personal, parental, and professional lives and how to stay off the emotional rollercoaster that perpetuates unhealthy perspectives and mindsets. I learned that my starting gate is rescuer, and since then I have worked hard to self-reflect and change that pattern.
When the student is ready, the teacher shows up. If you are ready to learn the lesson, you will move forward. If you aren’t, the opportunity will present itself again, and when you are ready, you will move forward. When I make the choice to put forth the effort and commit to the work, I feel better about myself, my interactions, and my relationships with my children, family, friends, students, colleagues, and others.
Another inspiration and teacher throughout my journey showed up once I embraced the importance of self-care as something that is actually the antithesis of being selfish. I would even argue that without self-care, one can become self-consumed in ways that perpetuate unhealthy relationships with oneself and others. A compelling and life-changing moment for me came when I read the following excerpt from The Journey of the Heroic Parent, written by Brad M. Reedy, PhD:
“Parents of struggling children don’t need simple solutions or advice, but rather understanding and community. They need to feel willing to shed their old life and its illusions of “should” in order to develop a sense of empowerment and hope. Part of this journey is about letting go of old ideas and sometimes letting go of people, of all their advice and judgments. The journey is about practicing self-care so we don’t ask our children to be responsible for taking care of us…Good therapy or parent education does not offer the answer, but rather provides the participant with tools and support for discovering his truth. Understanding this, and surrounding yourself with people who understand this, is infinitely rewarding and will sustain you through life’s trials.” (Reedy, Brad, The Journey of the Heroic Parent, Regan Arts, 2019, Page 198).
This statement resonated with me and my spiritual, intellectual, and emotional senses of self-care. It made me think about and reflect on my strengths and values, and it both inspired and motivated me to commit to becoming a parent coach.